in the mist

There have been a lot of times lately where I felt like writing. A lot of thoughts on love...on life. I wish I could say there were a lot of answers, but truthfully I only have thoughts at the moment.

I am amazed when I look back to my life 6 months ago. I had a rejuvinated excitement for life, and I was wanting to share that with others. I felt I was ready for a relationship again, but when the time came I found that the waters didn't run very deep. I couldn't get past the point where I knew I was vulnerable. I couldn't risk my heart being broken. In the end, it was more than timing that led to the end, but I think I was most unsettled by how truly unready I was for a deep relationship. I was surprised by how sad and hurt I still was.

So here I am...back to just getting by. I miss aspects of the life I had, and I think I fear that I may never have some of those aspects again. I'm sad...and I'm not entirely sure I understand the depths as to why yet. Sometimes I think I am sad that I will not get another chance, that I won't get to be the good husband I thought I could be. Sometimes I'm sad that I couldn't help her be the beautiful person I knew she was. It's just so unfortunate.

I just saw the movie "Beautiful Girls". I think it does a good job portraying the various complexities of relationships - and maybe even the lack of answers; possibly that it's a necessity for forming our future relationships...makes us think.

I am looking forward to the Fall and Winter. I think I need another season of reflection...time to find my bearings again.